If you were made Grand Traffic Dictator for a week...

"AestheticsInMotion" (aestheticsinmotion) 03/10/2020 at 22:08 • Filed to: None

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And you had complete authority to make any change you wanted to your country’s traffic system, up to and including meddling with other public offices, what would you do?

Wait!

There’s a catch.

See, you got a minor traffic violation years ago from a camera. No big deal, $40 fine, goes off your record.

Buuuuuut.

Thanks to the bureaucratic system, despite your best efforts that little ticket blossomed into a six figure debt with five years jail time. Your wife left you. Your kids? Moved off to Asia, excommunicated. Your hair? All gone. From the stress. That bitchin’ flannel you wear on Friday nights at the local bar? No longer fits over the gut.

And now, after all these years, planning.... Plotting... You’ve got your chance. You’ve made it to the top. You’ve got a week in command, your word being law.

But simple revenge isn’t enough. Oh no. Not for you.

It’s time to make the world burn.

So I ask of you, what changes would you bring forth to bring misery to the masses, via transportation infrastructure..?

First off, I’d mandate that all new cars from this day forward must be equipped with a new power control system, dubbed the Lungs-O-Fury. Old cars would also need this system retrofitted. LOF is a simple device, acting simply as a master volume control. But instead of a knob to control access to your vehicles power... You scream.

The dying whisper of a octogenarian? That will get you access to 0.01% of your vehicles total power output. Not even enough to engage an automatics crawl function. Ronnie James Dio circa 1976 hooked up to a wall of half-stacks cranked to 11? Full power.

Stop screaming—even for a second—and you drop to 0% output. Need to make it up a long hill? You better have the breath training off a world-class crossfit athlete.

My second major change would be to require airplanes to travel via water, boats via roads (cruise ships sticking to the highways, obviously), and trains via the sky. WITHOUT changing the exterior dimensions in any major ways. Engineers, you’ve got a week. Time to earn that degree.

Lastly, I’d make a law that at every crossing—whether a stop sign or a traffic light— all drivers must dismount their motor vehicles, walk to the center, and roll a DOT -certified D20 to determine the order in which said drivers get to go.

Enjoy. 

Sovande > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 22:13

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You guys get that good shit out west. 

AestheticsInMotion > Sovande 03/10/2020 at 22:15

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The dampness permeates r branes

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 22:19

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I would obviously mandate that all cars have the steering wheel mounted on the right side and the pedals on the left , to reduce pollution obviously.

Then, I would make roundabouts flow counterclockwise so you have to make a left turn to get on and off.

Then, I would fit all new automatic transmissions with a really petty AI that doesn’t know how to shift, but will argue with you about the gears. You have to be really persuasive to get that third gear out of the corner. As for Mr. Manuel Transmission? He gets a really deep macho voice but complains all the time. “Get some moisturizer, for crying out loud!”

ranwhenparked > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 22:21

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I would raise speed limits on all limited access divided highways to 85 mph and aggressively hunt down and  massively  fine anyone going under that, with only a modest fine for 15 or less over, if we even bother. Also, not using a turn lane correctly? Big fine. Not using turn signals? Giant fine. Lifted truck with improper headlight height? Huge f ine. Almost e veryone would hate me, especially Florida and lower Delaware/MD Eastern Shore.

wafflesnfalafel > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 22:29

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I got flipped off and chewed by an a-hole group of road bicyclists last Sunday while walking on a pedestrian path so I’m going with anything that will make their lives more difficult.

facw > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 22:34

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But I don’t want revenge? I mostly want to replace unnecessary stop signs with yields? And more roundabouts (that might be a subset of the previous). And I guess more bike lanes? And definitely fix the fucking potholes (and ideally build the road stronger in the first place, and don’t tolerate crappy patch jobs by utilities).

That seems good.

I also want significant mass transit expansion (probably free, it seems a waste to spend tons on ticket machines, and fare gates, and enforcement for something that benefits everyone) , but I think that might be another department.

Chariotoflove > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 22:44

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Roundabouts are a Thunderdome-like area fight to the death. Only one can come out alive. 

sony1492 > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 22:47

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Have all road paint removed.

Criminalize seat belts.

Ban airbags.

Recommend Left turns on red.

Speed limits become a minimum that are illegal to dip below for more then 5 seconds

AestheticsInMotion > Chariotoflove 03/10/2020 at 22:48

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I was expecting some sort of pun-based driving hierarchy, but I'll accept thunderdome

AestheticsInMotion > wafflesnfalafel 03/10/2020 at 22:49

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Just go Gandalf on their collective asses and drop a few grains of sand in their path

facw > Chariotoflove 03/10/2020 at 22:49

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AestheticsInMotion > ranwhenparked 03/10/2020 at 22:50

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Wait... These aren't petty and vindictive. These are great. I need someone who can be mean.... All of you are too nice. 

AestheticsInMotion > facw 03/10/2020 at 22:51

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Also, I feel like there should be a better way to access underground utilities than tearing a 5' x 5' hole in the pavement  8' deep, but hey, what do I know.

AestheticsInMotion > Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available 03/10/2020 at 22:52

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Man, this Manuel Transmission guy sounds like a total knob.

I was genuinely thinking about a reverse flow roundabout. Or one that changes direction on the hour 

AestheticsInMotion > facw 03/10/2020 at 22:53

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I was hoping someone would post this. Should have known it would be you.

I'd be very curious to see how the inescapable clover leaf plays out in practice. 100 cars or so would clog all 4 corners, with the clog continuing to grow and grow from the back... The only way to get out would be with a collaborative effort involving quite a bit of teamwork and communication--not strong suits for the general driving populace. 

AestheticsInMotion > sony1492 03/10/2020 at 22:56

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Let's just remove roads and rallyx all the things 

Chariotoflove > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 22:56

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Wait, did I create some rep that I now have to live up to? Well shit.

I’ll try to hatch something better while I’m couped up here at home. Maybe I can pickup some ideas from my daughter. Because right now I can’t think of a single pun. That’s what happens when you get too sedan-tary.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 23:02

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I laughed out loud, mostly because Manuel Transmission comes in clutch when you need him, even if he requires “finesse” to keep under control when he is being a knob.

Also, great d evious minds think alike. Imagine if the roads changed direction as well every hour (but measured from a random time every day like 2:07 PM) but the roundabouts always flowed opposite.

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 23:06

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Just take inspiration from the City of Atlanta and build everything on massive bridges which seem exactly like ground level until you are underneath them. Seriously, its like Venice but above old railroad tracks instead of water, which makes utilities a breeze.

I just read this book BTW. Look at how the ground level is not street level.

BaconSandwich is tasty. > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 23:07

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Full evil: I’d van cars, and force everyone to use bicycles.

Part evil: I’d enforce a maximum speed limit of 30 km/h everywhere. Even highways. And made speeding tickets cost 10x as much.

Slightly agitated: I'd make all traffic lights out of sync with each other to make traffic as bad as possible.

AestheticsInMotion > BaconSandwich is tasty. 03/10/2020 at 23:10

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I like the slightly agitated plan. Now we just need 99 more measures like that.

Death by a thousand cuts... 

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 23:11

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Remove all traffic lights from highway 9. People should be expected to know how to make unprotected left-hand turns.

No lobbying for new traffic lights for short plat developments.

People who accelerate when you go to pass them will be drawn and quartered. Excluding me, and other people I like.

AestheticsInMotion > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 03/10/2020 at 23:14

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What  do you have against adding 7 new traffic lights to a half mile stretch while simultaneously lowering the speed limit from 45 to 30??

I feel like I need to do another version of this, but replace traffic infrastructure with construction and building codes

thatsmr > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 23:16

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Id make not selecting thr lane for your exit in a timely fashion only to brake to go BEHIND the person to your right (then brake again because idiot) to be a capital crime

Chariotoflove > facw 03/10/2020 at 23:19

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I see you’ve been to Dallas. 

not for canada - australian in disguise > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 23:31

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No more maximum speed limits, no more lanes, you can also drive over roundabouts now, minimum speed limit of 90 km/h (Speed rules, you have to reach 90 and then if you dip under after that you’re done for), no more plowing snow or gritting/salting roads in the winter, headlights are forbidden, seatbelts are forbidden, seats are forbidden, everyone has to now drive with one of those monobloc chairs taped to the floor of their car.

BaconSandwich is tasty. > AestheticsInMotion 03/10/2020 at 23:45

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That would be evil. But in a subtly evil way. :P

How about making pot hole repair the lowest priority?  And year round construction.  Speed cameras on every corner.  Crosswalk lights that trigger, even when no one is around. 

HammerheadFistpunch > AestheticsInMotion 03/11/2020 at 00:48

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Concrete medians. Concrete medians everywhere

Spanfeller is a twat > AestheticsInMotion 03/11/2020 at 03:24

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I'd raise the price of gasoline to 11 dollars a gallon through taxes.

pip bip - choose Corrour > AestheticsInMotion 03/11/2020 at 04:44

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i’d make all trains double deckers.

ban all import cars, to help local industry get going again.

ban all new GM products from the road. permanently, even if they wanted to reopen a factory here (as if!)

all long distance transport must be by train, ban vehicles from CBD and get everyone into trams or onto bikes, delivery drivers will have to use cargo bikes

public transport would be free for every user

Distraxi's idea of perfection is a Jagroen > AestheticsInMotion 03/11/2020 at 05:45

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Mandate that all towns shall have ring roads in the shape of the dread sigil Odegra.

https://wiki.lspace.org/mediawiki/M25_London_Orbital

Urambo Tauro > AestheticsInMotion 03/11/2020 at 06:52

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Dig deep trenches between every lane so that drivers won’t dare to leave t heir lane until merging or turning becomes absolutely necessary .

BigBlock440 > AestheticsInMotion 03/11/2020 at 08:14

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People would just cut through the grass

ST80MND > AestheticsInMotion 03/11/2020 at 09:28

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ALL vehicles would not be allowed unless a MANUAL trans was present. (to reduce congestion) NO driving nanny aids of any sort. You would actually have to know how to drive. MINIMUM horsepower limits, depending on size of car. So, for example, a smart car would need at least 185 bhp. A F-150 would need at least 500bhp. Minimum speed limits, not max ones. And traffic lights that change according to amount of traffic at that intersection. No import laws at all. No 5 mph bumpers. Home made vehicle? As long as it keep flow of traffic, good to go. Douche Bag drivers will have their lic. revoked. Period.

functionoverfashion > AestheticsInMotion 03/11/2020 at 11:24

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Wait, I missed this. But seriously, ban salt, sand and all that crap . This will infuriate people who expect roads to never be actually slippery and think it’s DOT’s fault when it snows, but will basically make roads a constant rallyx course in the winter. Get some snow tires and get sideways or stay home. 

CaptDale - is secretly British > AestheticsInMotion 03/11/2020 at 13:25

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Replace every single intersection with at least double roundabouts.

All pedestrian crossings must be placed at non corners.

Bicyclists must travel on special platforms that are like a treadmill so you can ride at any speed you like, but the platform will obey all traffic laws, speed limits, and will follow the path you program into it before setting off.

All commercial passenger flights inside the country are banned. All commercial passenger travel must be by train. All rail lines will be seized by the government , changed to high speed rail, and all passenger trains will have priority passing even above military.

Tiered licenses that require lot of training and tests to be able to pass.

Whole system changes to imperial measurements .

I get an unrestricted license

John Norris (AngryDrifter) > AestheticsInMotion 03/11/2020 at 20:49

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Every road gets at least 4 lanes. Every road. That should be enough for my travels till I die or lose my l icense. Sorry if your house or b usiness was close to the road.

I’m not a very evil and v indictive dictator, just greedy and self serving.